No doubt.
First, a thought experiment.
Imagine this: an alien floated its little spaceship onto Earth and started observing all of us. “Wow! These humans are brushing their little teeths so diligently, and running in circles. But they are not smiling.” What do you think they would say when observing your daily habits, or thought patterns?
It’s startling how much of what we do, and believe we need to do, might not actually bring us a life of fulfillment (which I take to mean well-being, not just a fleeting feeling of joy/happiness). That goes for our inner voices, too.
Consider all the worlds of things you could do, or stop doing. Consider the cute little worlds you could build. Consider the kindness with which your inner voice could speak to you, in a way that actually motivates you rather than making you feel strange, or constantly on the defensive. So much of how we operate by default doesn’t need to be the way we choose to operate. But how do we revisit our mindset, to help us retool our cute lil’ minds?
As much as I would love to throw a copy of Atomic Habits at myself and call it a day, I think the right approach is a little more fundamental. Raha’s tip: It all starts with eliminating self-doubt.
Some thoughts below.
3 Pits of Self-Doubt (thanks, Shade Zahrai!):
The Knowing-Doing Trap.
Is this you: How many times have you thought “I should do X”… but didn’t do it? You might have thought, “Maybe I need to learn more”. Or maybe you ran yourself through a slate of what-ifs/planning exercises/etc. because you never quite felt prepared to take action. Suggestion: your overthinking/rumination may be sabotaging you.
Being stuck in chronic “planning/learning/catastrophe-predicting” mode probably means that you’re finding solace in ruminating and overthinking. As comfortably familiar as ruminating feels, it always leads to self-doubt, kills confidence, and leads to needless criticism. Super boring.
Treading Water
Is this you: Despite all your abilities to start, you may feel a sense of “this isn’t right”, and a tendency to let go of your commitments. You might find yourself feeling bored, or seeking greener grass. “Does this feel right? Why didn’t I do Y instead?” Again, boom - comparison and self-doubt.
Hedonic Treadmill/Destination Obsession
Is this you: You love having goals to work towards… only to derive a short burst of pleasure once actually fulfilling your goals, causing you to whip up a new list of goals in chase of that short-lived euphoria of achievement. You’ll find yourself unable to slow down, yet also feel like you’re not “doing enough”. Again, there we have it - self-doubt, and often a deep and crippling feeling of inadequacy under it all.
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Raha’s thought: anytime you find yourself doubting your abilities, or running into the same loops of questioning, consider - “Does this actually help - or am I just saying this to myself because it feels like a familiar voice/place to go in my mind?” For those who are well-acquainted with their inner critic, it might feel hard to tell the two answers apart. Heck, you might even think that you need a mean inner voice to find success, because - newsflash - you’ve never really known any other way. Well, it’s time to hack that system.
Hacks:
The Knowing-Doing Trap
Symptoms
“What if I'm under-qualified? Am I ready?"
"What if I fail?"
"What if I've missed something?"
Hack: Shift your internal narrative. Instead of combating disempowering thoughts, redirect your mind to empowering language that reflects personal control.
"I can't do this." → "How could I make this happen?"
"Ugh! I have to/should do that" → "I get to do this" or "I choose to do that". (An obstacle becomes an exciting chance to work through something.)
Hack: Move from "why" to "what". Instead of "Why don't I feel motivated?" ask yourself "What can I do to get excited about getting this done?"
It's vital that the reframing is immediately followed by action!
Treading Water
Symptoms
Hesitation
Losing interest → seeking greener grass / getting bored.
Hack: Ask yourself- Why am I doing this?
If you find yourself stuck in this mind pit, schedule time to reflect on WHY you're doing what you're doing. ("For the sake of what?")
This will likely require you to visit your core values in a way you may not have had to consciously do in the past, when working towards your path.
A bonus: With a clearer Why, you’ll find that needless comparison kind of… falls away. You’ll find yourself gravitating more steadily towards people who can inform the kind of building that resonates deeply with your Why.
Destination Obsession → Separate your identity from what you do.
Symptoms
Constantly setting goals, and-
Feeling unable to “slow down” or “do nothing”
Yet - also feeling like you’re never doing enough
Hack: Begin to untie your identity from “doing things”.
Counterintuitively, the way to stop feeling like you’re not doing enough is to start developing a deeper identity, that isn’t constantly tied to your productivity (e.g. through work, accomplishments, etc.). An inability to turn that identity off is usually a sign of a deep feeling of inadequacy.
You’ve probably seen signs of how you’ve outgrown previous definitions of “stability” and “validation” in your life. Revisit these new definitions consciously, as you reshape your self worth.
Hack: Emphasize the value of journeys, rather than end-points.
Constantly focusing on a future goal often leads us to feel massively out-of-touch with the present moment. Think of life occurrences (sudden pivots, or new friendships) that seemed to manifest out of the blue, and changed your world for the better. Life is much more interesting than our heads can plan for.
I hope these little hacks help get you thinking, cuties! These little tips sure have helped me. (Perhaps the most important hack of all: Feel your feelings. Sounds like a truism, but more on that to come.)
Let’s make those little aliens proud.
Much <3,
Raha
PS: For those who relate super strongly to the above but struggle with re-circuiting yourselves - I’ve been helping some super wonderful people work through the above 3 steps, in the context of careers. Send me an e-mail and I’d be happy to have a quick chat!