How to start where the other is
... aka, how to delightfully get out of (and into) your own head.
Have you beat yourself up lately for not being able to get out of your own head? Hear, hear. A gentle, revolutionary truth that I keep forgetting and then remembering: Stepping out of our individual molds is often a kinder, softer experience than we realize. Let’s get into the practice of remembering how.
Cute story ahead!
Raha & Dante Learn to Dance
During our month away in a new city, my partner Dante surprised me with one of a few cute birthday gifts: a private salsa class.
I think this was meant to be just as a much a gift for him as it was for me - although Dante never considered himself a dancer, he’d always wanted to learn dance together. We promised to teach ourselves salsa at home via YouTube during the pandemic, and Dante was the only one who seemed to remember our weekly calendar slots… despite our weekly classes consisting of little more than 1) me sternly trying to get him to move his hips “like THIS!” and 2) us laughing at the ridiculousness of trying to figure out how to dance in a bedroom with little more guidance than a glowing computer screen. Little did I realize how much we (read: I) would learn, soon enough.
Lesson One: On Paying Attention To Each Other
On the night of our eventual private class: We fell in love with our instructor, Francisco, from the moment he walked into the studio. From his big, curious eyes and even bigger smile - to his tight-but-flared dance pants - to his pointy black shoes - to his chuckling lil belly - to the proverbs he would throw out every few minutes… how couldn’t you trust a man like this with your dance journey? Full steam ahead!
The first thing Francisco made us do was walk together, to the front of the room, and then backwards. He was trying to show us how natural dance was to humans. We eased into more more complex steps, eventually holding hands and moving to the beat. Francisco told me not to worry about looking at each other’s feet, but to focus on each other’s faces. The more we danced together while looking at each other, the bigger our smiles would get.
Noticing Dante’s hands moving up and down as he held mine, like a little choo-choo train, Francisco noted to me - “I bet this is annoying you a little.” I laughed. Maybe it would in a bit! Francisco was reading my mind. I was a little distracted by Dante’s beaming face, and would start beaming too back at him as we danced - But, yes, the hands and the hips - we’d get there!
Also laughing, Francisco replied: “Raha, you have much to learn from your partner.” According to Francisco, we all feel rhythm a little differently, from body to body. (Taking it a step further - we hear music differently, from brain to brain! Francisco’s mom was a neurosurgeon. Turns out, according to him and others - even the smallest differences in our individual skull structure, bone density or even inner ear structure can change the way our brain receives and processes sound waves, changing the frequency that our bones vibrate at as we hear sounds. This may result in one person hearing the keyboards of a song while another hears the bass line more strongly. To understand the way someone reacts to music or even their musical preferences, we have to be able to get out of our head - literally. But I digress!) I tend to feel a song’s bass lines in my hips and thighs, while Dante feels music more in his shoulders. We both bring each other into these parts of our body through dance.
Two people, with all their differences, bring so much beauty to the table (or in this case, floor). By holding space for each other’s spirits, while bringing forward our own presence, we all create something new together. To embrace a collective beauty, we need to step out of our molds for how things should be.
The funny thing: When looking at Dante’s beaming face rather than at our feet or hands, I feel at one with his moving body, regardless of how differently our bodies and minds process things. I’m aware of the music moving through him to me, his smile, our laughs. Our smiles often get bigger and bigger when we look at each other as we dance, and I can’t explain why. Suddenly, his hands, my hips, the rhythm… it all makes sense. It takes these light moments for me to realize: So much of our individual beauty comes forward in being truly with others in mind and soul, when we’re paying attention to each other’s bubbling spirits.
Lesson Two: On Starting Late
Shortly after this exchange, Francisco noticed that I was scrambling to match a change in move by my partner. (I didn’t think anyone noticed!!!) “Slow down,” he told me. “Don’t worry about being on time here. If you choose to follow, you can always be a few beats late. See how that relaxes your approach.”
It wasn’t until this exchange that I realized how on edge I tended to be, when pushing myself to quickly assess and respond to my partner on the dance floor (or to stimuli in real life). Giving myself permission to not be on time opened me up to enjoying the moment, and my partner’s presence, a whole lot more.* I was surprised at how much less work Francisco’s idea warranted.
By allowing myself to be a few beats late, I stopped trying to see where Dante’s feet or hands might go as he performed a new step. Instead, I kept my eyes locked with his - a recipe for smiles and laughs that seemed to mount as the minutes went by.
I was surprised - for someone who operates on Indian Standard Time (read: is late to everything in her personal life), I didn’t realize how little permission I gave myself to let the present approach me - rather than feeling like I had to be ready and on guard for it. By questioning my need to “catch up” in the moment and instead allowing myself to sit back and let life show me itself, I am learning to embrace the space/importance for the beauty of myself, my partner, and the deep magic that we always felt together.
When wanting to control a situation or react to it, consider the option to: step back, let the world come to you, and think about how you want your energies to mix with this special world, in front of you, right now.
Much <3,
Raha
*A quick note on dancing: Roles of following versus leading don’t have to be gendered, nor fixed! A cute question to ask our dance partners that makes this clear: “Would you like to lead, follow, or switch?”
Above, two absolute cuties getting ready for a night of sangeet (pre-wedding) dancing this summer.